Some time ago, there was a FAKE ‘Ceo Steve Jobs’ Twitter account posting hilarious tweets.
Sadly after a little while the account was suspended and the Tweets were nowhere to be found.
So we used our Time Machine and recovered all the Tweets, not only because they are funny but they also shine a light on the crazy-genius that Mister Jobs was.
So.. here they are! All of them, have fun, laugh your ass of, and .. thank you Steve Jobs.
Note: Once again, these Tweets are not posted by Steve Jobs himself, it’s merely a parody account.
————————-
Year 2010.
We have created for the first time in all history, a garden of pure ideology. Introducing the Mac App Store
The next iPhone update includes several autocorrection fixes. For instance, typing “Android” will autocorrect to “hemorrhoid.”
Wed Jan 05 2011 03:04:57
Please stop calling it the iPad 2. it’s not. It’s the iPad 1GS. GS for Goldman Sachs.
Wed Jan 05 2011 01:11:08
Help fight digital piracy. Don’t retweet.
Tue Jan 04 2011 23:39:50.
Please don’t call this #alarmgate. That makes it seem like we did something wrong.
Tue Jan 04 2011 14:50:40.
You’re setting it wrong.
Tue Jan 04 2011 19:53:38.
All mobile phones have alarm problems. Press conference Tuesday.
Mon Jan 03 2011 20:44:34.
Until Apple issues an official fix for the iPhone alarm glitch, please do not open your iPhone’s clock app. Doing so may void the warranty
Tue Jan 04 2011 20:19:49.
Apple Stores will open on a two-hour delay tomorrow to let employees sleep in. This is in no way related to the iPhone alarm clock glitch.
Mon Jan 03 2011 01:11:32.
Sorry about the iPhone alarm glitch. We had absolutely no way to prepare for 2011.
Sun Jan 02 2011 20:28:42.
Time to wake up. Due to a software glitch, please use this tweet in place of your iPhone alarm this morning.
Tue Jan 04 2011 21:33:02.
The iPad 2 will blow you away. Literally. It has a shotgun built in.
Sun Jan 02 2011 07:28:23.
Just walked in on Phil meditating at his Steve Jobs shrine. Awkward moments ensued.
Wed Jan 05 2011 03:28:55.
Wow. I really don’t use FaceTime as much as I thought I would
Wed Jan 05 2011 00:07:18.
I like big bezels and I cannot lie.
Wed Jan 05 2011 03:53:53.
Bought my daughters two of those rare Steve Jobs action figures for Christmas. Well, they’re rare now.
Sat Jan 01 2011 20:52:21.
Appy new year.
Tue Jan 04 2011 20:31:57.
Hanging iPod socks by the chimney with care.
Wed Jan 05 2011 00:48:26.
Good thing everybody forgot about that “massive antenna design flaw” on the iPhone right in time for Christmas.
Thu Dec 23 2010 03:41:38.
Please don’t wish me ‘Merry Christmas.’ I’m Buddhist.
Wed Dec 22 2010 18:02:22.
‘Don’t ask, don’t tell’ is still in effect at Apple. Don’t ask about unannounced products because we don’t tell about unannounced products.
Tue Jan 04 2011 20:40:14.
Working on a new computer designed to fit in the right hand or the forehead. Priced roughly the same as the Apple 1.
Wed Jan 05 2011 03:20:39.
We removed the Manhattan Declaration app because, like porn, sanctity of marriage and prolife efforts are morally offensive
Fri Dec 17 2010 20:45:34.
Had I caved to TIME’s demand to sell subscriptions on iPad, there might have been a different face on this week’s cover.
Fri Dec 17 2010 19:41:44.
Yo Zuck, I’m really happy for you, I’mma let you finish, but I clearly shoulda been Person of the Year.
Wed Jan 05 2011 03:08:06.
If I were you, I would wait for the next iPad.
Wed Jan 05 2011 08:25:40.
Getting the press to cover Apple is like getting ESPN to cover sports.
Wed Jan 05 2011 13:51:55.
I love reading rumor sites just to laugh at how wrong everyone is.
Fri Dec 10 2010 04:20:07.
Everyone wants to know when the new iPad is coming out. For the record, Apple doesn’t make gay devices.
Mon Dec 06 2010 18:37:45.
Yes, Virginia, there is a Steve Jobs.
Mon Dec 06 2010 18:28:40.
Eating an orange at Apple. Well this is awkward.
Fri Dec 03 2010 03:57:44.
Decorating the Christmas tree with iPod nanos.
Tue Nov 30 2010 03:33:10.
Apple’s next product will be gorgeous, thin, incredibly fun, and way too easy. Sort of like @iJustine.
Wed Jan 05 2011 09:18:38.
From now on, all trailers featured on Apple.com/trailers must be made in iMovie.
Tue Jan 04 2011 23:34:06.
Dropped and shattered my iPad. #Thankful I can grab one of my backups from the supply closet.
Thu Nov 25 2010 17:29:11.
My wife is holding it wrong. Again.
Thu Nov 25 2010 04:43:05.
If only marriage had autocorrect.
Wed Jan 05 2011 00:59:55.
Now I can find everyone’s iPhone.
Tue Nov 23 2010 01:19:18.
Uh, Ping is just a hobby too.
Mon Nov 22 2010 23:38:38.
Give up, Nintendo.
Mon Nov 22 2010 22:36:26.
I’ll release iOS 4.2 as soon as I finish on the toilet. Have patience.
Mon Nov 22 2010 18:29:28.
Laurene has been cheating on me. I just found a VAIO under the bed.
Tue Jan 04 2011 21:29:10.
Your mom is a walled garden
Wed Jan 05 2011 01:00:09.
Stop complaining. I know what’s best for you.
Wed Jan 05 2011 04:07:59.
Ten minutes.
Tue Nov 16 2010 15:50:22.
Let it be.
Tue Nov 16 2010 02:57:54.
Tomorrow is just another day. That you’ll never forget. Introducing memory-lossless encoding in iTunes.
10:52 PM Nov 15th, 2010.
The next Mac Mini will double as an iPod touch.
4:05 AM Nov 13th, 2010.
What’s the point of being inducted to the California Hall of Fame if you still get stopped for speeding?
3:06 PM Nov 12th, 2010.
iPhone 4. This changes everything. Except the time.
5:55 AM Jan 5th.
Woke up late. Stupid iPhone. Stupid Daylight Saving Time.
6:45 PM Nov 7th, 2010.
Want to extend battery life on your new MacBook Air? Uninstall Flash, iLife, and Mac OS X.
5:38 AM Nov 7th, 2010.
You have yet to hear the Lion roar.
3:45 AM Nov 4th, 2010.
Another day, another lawsuit.
5:46 AM Nov 3rd, 2010.
Apple wouldn’t acquire Sony if AIBO begged us to.
7:10 PM Nov 2nd, 2010.
We have to let go of the notion that for Apple to win, Google has to lose.
4:09 AM Nov 2nd, 2010.
It’s all fun and games until someone loses an iPhone.
1:07 AM Nov 2nd, 2010.
I dressed as Moses for Halloween and used two iPads as tablets. “Thou shalt not steal music.”
9:39 AM Jan 5th.
Preparing the basket of iPods for trick-or-treaters.
3:15 PM Oct 31st, 2010.
Just finished my Mac-O’-Lantern
3:22 PM Oct 30th, 2010.
I may know exactly what millions of people want every day, but when it comes to Laurene’s birthday, I don’t have a clue.
7:12 AM Oct 30th, 2010.
Contrary to rumors, the Mac App Store isn’t the sole option for getting new software on your computer. Yet.
6:16 AM Oct 29th, 2010.
The truth is, we’re not going to sell the white iPhone 4. Ever. Because white phones are girly.
9:39 AM Jan 5th.
A journalist is here investigating our feature to view all open windows. I should have expected an exposé on Exposé.
6:28 PM Oct 27th, 2010.
Just in time for the holidays, get a free personal laser-engraved message on your iLife ’11 box.
6:16 AM Oct 27th,.
Can’t wait until spring so we can delay the white iPhone again.
2:46 AM Oct 27th, 2010.
Every new Mac will ship with a radically redesigned keyboard, featuring both a space bar and a genius bar.
3:46 PM Oct 25th, 2010.
Sorry there’s no new iWeb or iDVD. I was too busy responding to stupid e-mails.
3:45 AM Oct 25th, 2010.
Apple needs more female tech evangelists. Like a Gal Kawasaki.
7:35 AM Oct 24th, 2010.
Just ordered an extra kiswah for Fifth Avenue.
8:30 PM Oct 23rd, 2010.
For Your Consideration: “Our European Getaway” and “Road to Tikal”
5:14 PM Oct 23rd, 2010.
The Mac App Store: Available soon for download only from the Mac App Store.
5:31 AM Oct 23rd, 2010.
No flash for you.
6:48 PM Oct 22nd, 2010.
Morning rituals… Tying my shoe laces and untying my earbuds.
2:40 PM Oct 22nd, 2010.
Met with Obama today. Apparently he misunderstood when Congress told him ‘America needs more jobs.’
9:03 PM Jan 4th.
Technology reporters who bring PC laptops to Apple events will no longer be permitted entrance.
10:21 PM Oct 21st, 2010.
We were going to rename it iTrailer ’11, but it just didn’t have the same ring.
6:59 AM Oct 21st, 2010.
Introducing the Mac App Store. Finally, an easy way to bring fart apps to the Mac.
8:34 PM Oct 20th, 2010.
You think you’ve seen the sun, but you ain’t seen it shine. #BacktotheMac
10:31 PM Oct 19th, 2010.
I hate Googling myself. http://twitpic.com/2yvhpc
3:24 AM Oct 19th, 2010.
More record earnings for Apple. And less record earnings for the music business.
11:10 PM Oct 18th, 2010.
Mona called to ask why her novels aren’t on the iBookstore. Busted.
12:51 AM Oct 18th, 2010 via web
Just finished reading “My Hollywood.” Excellent story.
12:41 AM Oct 18th, 2010.
I march to the beat of a drummer I downloaded on iTunes.
3:58 PM Oct 17th, 2010.
Well, obviously we have an Apple Store in Lincoln Park. It opens next week. http://www.apple.com/retail/lincolnpark/
Just revised my will. Looks like my son will be the sole MacBook Heir.
2:27 AM Oct 16th, 2010.
Starting a social network looks a lot easier in the movies.
2:45 PM Oct 15th, 2010.
Ready to put the “app” in Apple TV.
5:27 AM Oct 15th, 2010.
Computers are like bicycles. iPads are like training wheels.
1:18 AM Oct 15th, 2010.
Now the Chilean miners will be trapped for the rest of their lives. I gave them all iPods with iTunes accounts.
12:58 AM Oct 15th, 2010.
Outgoing message contains banned text.
12:53 AM Oct 15th, 2010.
If the glass on your iPhone cracked, you’re dropping it the wrong way.
1:30 AM Jan 5th.
Please never compare Mark Zuckerberg to me.
6:06 AM Oct 12th, 2010.
EEver wonder why the media loves me so much? SPJ. Society of Professional Journalists. Steven Paul Jobs. Uncanny.
3:42 PM Oct 10th, 2010.
Janoff is gay? That explains so much…
5:25 AM Oct 10th, 2010.
If you have a Mac question, it’s easy to talk to an Apple genius. But what about music? Now introducing iPodiatrists.
3:46 PM Jan 5th.
Went to visit Ron Johnson but he was out of town. There was a yellow Post-It note on his front door: “We’ll be back soon.”
6:13 AM Oct 7th,.
Want help taking over the world? Visit one of Apple’s new Evil Genius Bars.
1:00 AM Oct 4th,.
Give Ping a chance.
3:55 PM Oct 3rd, 2010.
Don’t cry for me, Cupertino.
4:09 PM Oct 2nd, 2010.
Good thing you didn’t actually read the legal agreement for iTunes. Or should I say, iownyoursoulTunes?
1:29 AM Jan 5th.
Tping on teh Ipone is a dream.
11:19 PM Oct 1st, 2010.
NSFW: Not Safe For Windows
9:34 PM Jan 4th.
The iPhone revolutionized predictive texting. So iOS 4.2 will introduce predictive sexting.
10:43 PM Oct 1st, 2010.
Friends don’t let friends use Windows.
6:19 AM Jan 5th.
Good thing I didn’t let Jony design my house. He wanted all the doors to ‘slide to unlock.’
4:29 AM Sep 30th, 2010.
Once you go Mac, you can’t go back.
3:47 PM Jan 5th.
Board meetings at Apple start two hours early because we’re always ahead of our time.
1:53 PM Sep 28th.
There’s a reason BlackBerry won’t tell you what the PlayBook’s battery life is.
1:40 AM Sep 28th.
No service.
1:24 AM Sep 28th.
We’ve got better moves in our playbook, BlackBerry. #tablet
12:01 AM Sep 28th.
The BlackBerry tablet is going to fail. Mark my words.
9:34 PM Jan 4th.
Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery and will also get you sued for patent infringement.
4:55 AM Sep 27th.
Can everybody please actually use Ping once in a while?
8:50 PM Sep 26th.
“Shake to undo” now works with all recent Mac Pro models.
4:05 PM Sep 26th.
wisiwyg
7:13 AM Sep 26th.
You’ll never guess what I’m holding in my hands right now.
9:15 PM Sep 25th, 2010.
Every Apple fan must visit the Fifth Avenue store at least once in his or her lifetime if they are able to do so.
5:48 PM Sep 25th, 2010.
Technology in ten years: http://dger.at/2XTq
Why would anyone want a camera in the iPad? That’s like taking pictures with a clipboard.
4:30 AM Jan 5th.
Wanted to buy an armchair online today but the white swatch is currently unavailable. Cruel irony.
1:27 AM Sep 24th, 2010.
First the Gores, now the Sculleys. It took me a while to learn, but family comes first, gentlemen.
4:20 PM Sep 23rd, 2010.
Apple’s new AA battery charger: This is going to charge everything. All over again.
3:48 PM Jan 5th.
Dear Mac fans, please don’t ask for a photo with me. It cheapens my brand value.
9:05 PM Jan 4th.
Twenty-five years ago today I left Apple. It’s good to be back doing what you love.
1:48 AM Sep 17th, 2010.
Why join the pirates when you can be a ninja?
5:01 PM Sep 16th, 2010.
I refuse to accuse Amazon of hijacking the ebook market. That would be the iPod calling the Kindle black.
5:47 AM Sep 14th, 201.
We accept the reality of the world with which we are presented.
12:44 AM Sep 14th, 2010 .
Jony just told me he can’t make the nano any smaller. Fired.
11:30 PM Sep 13th, 2010.
abcdefghi™jklmnopqrstuvwxyz
5:27 AM Sep 13th, 2010.
The new iPod touch: I’d tap that.
3:49 PM Jan 5th via web
MobileMe was just the beginning. Mac users in Alabama can now begin their free trial of MontgomeryMe and BirminghamMe.
7:35 PM Sep 11th, 2010.
The secret to a good marriage? Multi-touch.
3:49 PM Jan 5th.
Bisexuals and iPads. Both need a good orientation lock.
3:28 PM Sep 11th, 2010.
The view from my Gulfstream this morning is just like Google Earth. If only I could pinch to zoom.
3:23 PM Sep 11th, 2010.
If you liked it then you shoulda put a case on it.
1:08 AM Jan 5th.
Google Voice, we meet again.
3:59 PM Sep 10th, 2010.
That’s it. No more fart apps. You guys blew it.
4:00 AM Sep 10th, 2010.
If we get one more fart app submission, so help me, I will close the App Store.
3:49 PM Jan 5th.
Notice how no one complains about non-removable batteries anymore? I was so right.
3:24 AM Sep 10th, 2010.
Game Center was almost called Pong.
11:52 PM Sep 8th, 2010.
iPod’s market share is bigger than GM, Toyota, Ford, Chrysler and Honda combined in the automotive market. Killer.
6:05 AM Sep 8th, 2010.
Never shopping at Gap again. They didn’t have any turtlenecks in my favorite color.
9:18 PM Sep 6th, 2010.
One million Ping users down. 159 million to go.
6:26 AM Sep 6th, 2010.
Oh. My. Jobs.
5:51 AM Sep 6th, 2010.
We’re also taking the booth out of the Photo Booth icon because, frankly, no one uses those anymore either.
3:49 PM Sep 5th, 2010.
One button is one too many.
6:14 PM Sep 4th, 2010.
Pippin failed because it had all of the clichés and none of the games.
5:55 PM Sep 4th, 2010.
Out jogging. My Cupertino runneth over.
5:46 PM Sep 4th, 2010.
Forget ‘People of WalMart.’ Now we’ve got ‘People of Apple.’ http://peopleofapple.wordpress.com/
6:59 AM Sep 4th, 2010.
President Schwarzenegger. Paris Hilton’s Nobel Prize. Saturday Morning Live. Landing on the sun. The white iPhone.
3:52 PM Jan 5th.
We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of dreams.
7:40 PM Sep 2nd, 2010.
I could sell popsicles for 99 cents and the studios would still complain.
5:53 PM Sep 2nd, 2010.
Antennagate just had to ruin the best chapter in my biography. Thanks, Walter.
5:46 PM Sep 2nd, 2010.
There’s no camera on the iPod nano. Why? Because our design team wanted to put it behind the clip. Yeah, real brilliant.
5:38 AM Jan 5th.
We’ve reached a deal with Microsoft to give the iPod a new mascot: Clippy.
3:55 PM Sep 2nd.
Don’t worry. Be appy.
1:51 PM Sep 2nd.
Introducing Game Center… Because we couldn’t come up with a better name.
5:31 AM Sep 2nd.
In case you wondered, the fingerprints in the new iPod logo are from wanted criminals. http://twitpic.com/2keiaw
4:48 AM Sep 2nd.
The new iPod nano. Give it the finger.
3:16 AM Sep 2nd.
Next year’s iPods will have AppleTV built-in.
2:08 AM Sep 2nd.
And you thought iPods couldn’t get smaller….
1:50 AM Sep 2nd, 2010.
So glad I stopped the design team from putting a clip on the iPod touch…
9:33 PM Sep 1st, 2010.
I want to put a Ping in the universe.
8:18 PM Sep 1st, 2010.
Want to be surprised at today’s keynote? Don’t read MacRumors, TechCrunch, Gizmodo, CNN…
2:51 PM Sep 1st, 2010.
Streaming video of today’s keynote. Take that, bloggers.
2:09 PM Sep 1st, 2010.
Get your hopes up.
5:40 AM Sep 1st, 2010.
Apple sales are increasing sharply among fencers. Must be the iPod Touché.
5:30 AM Sep 1st, 2010.
The new iPods: No more training wheels.
5:02 AM Sep 1st, 2010.
If you go to the bathroom during the fourth quarter results conference call, you’ll be sorry.
4:57 AM Sep 1st, 2010.
I’m about to introduce a better version of a product you already own.
12:49 AM Aug 26th, 2010.
Jailbreak your iPhone and I’ll jailbreak down your door.
3:34 AM Jan 5th.
Took my daughter to school this morning, and yes, she gave the teacher an Apple.
9:46 PM Aug 16th, 2010.
Feeling artsy: http://bit.ly/SteveJobsArt
7:39 AM Aug 15th, 2010.
Apple bless you.
9:09 PM Aug 14th, 2010.
Apple just surpassed Tylenol in the tablet market.
3:53 PM Jan 5th.
Papermaster quit job with iPad: http://teqnolog.wordpress.com/2010/08/13/apple-exec-papermaster-quits-job-on-ipad/
7:46 AM Aug 13th, 2010.
Follow the leader.
2:19 PM Aug 12th, 2010.
Sent from my iPod shuffle
10:09 PM Aug 11th, 2010.
Great. We have to replace all the iPod Japanos due to overheating. Next time we’ll just build them with fans.
10:06 PM Aug 11th, 2010.
Happy Birthday Woz. I kind of miss you.
6:30 PM Aug 11th, 2010.
When Chuck Norris holds the iPhone 4 the signal increases.
3:22 PM Aug 10th, 2010.
Papermaster bought a Droid. If that’s not ‘cultural incompatibility,’ I don’t know what is.
4:08 AM Aug 10th, 2010.
Am I from the future? Yes.
12:19 AM Aug 10th, 2010.
The Liquidmetal iPhone. Melts in your hand, not your mouth.
12:11 AM Aug 10th, 2010.
That was one nasty paper cut.
5:58 PM Aug 9th, 2010.
$24,652. Give 350 African orphans one year of school. Or buy a new Mac. Your pick. http://yfrog.com/jkrg9j
3:42 PM Aug 9th, 2010.
Perform a liver transplant. Get a free iPod touch.
2:44 AM Aug 9th, 2010.
Thanks, everybody, for helping me put my kids through school.
1:27 AM Aug 9th, 2010.
The iPhone will soon be on Verizon’s CDMA network. Or, as we call it, the Carrier Destined to Murder Android.
7:15 PM Aug 8th, 2010.
Finally got rid of looked-good-on-Papermaster.
6:47 AM Aug 8th, 2010.
I left the restaurant because the sign said “No shirt, no service.” Thanks to AT&T, I only had one of the two.
8:47 PM Aug 7th, 2010.
Suing IHOP for trademark infringement.
4:53 PM Aug 7th, 2010.
Why do I wear turtlenecks? Because suits have too many buttons.
3:55 PM Jan 5th.
Antenna testing? Ha. I built that anechoic torture chamber for Jason Chen.
11:18 PM Aug 6th, 2010.
Just opened another worship center in London.
3:49 PM Aug 6th, 2010.
Xserve nano. Hyper-Threading… in your pocket.
3:40 PM Aug 6th, 2010.
I dropped three calls today on my iPhone. #PostSecret
8:40 PM Aug 5th, 2010.
Just visited the doctor. It turns out cellular memory isn’t exclusive to the iPhone.
8:25 PM Aug 5th, 2010.
FMiL
8:13 PM Aug 5th, 2010.
Watched Harry Potter last night. The iPad is far more magical.
5:33 PM Aug 5th, 2010.
Secrecy is key to Apple’s success, so from now on please keep your devices under a black cloak when not in use.
4:20 PM Aug 5th, 2010.
The first rule of the iOS Developer Program is: you do not talk about the iOS Developer Program.
3:22 PM Aug 4th, 2010.
At the post office, sending Kim, Kahney and Siegler their weekly checks.
10:04 PM Aug 3rd, 2010.
The tablet’s target market is young, unmarried men. Hence, the Bachelor iPad.
4:28 AM Aug 3rd, 2010.
A match made in Twitter? Some peculiar pairings: http://bit.ly/morelike
2:48 AM Aug 3rd, 2010.
Can people please stop jailbreaking the iPhones on display at Apple Stores?
5:39 AM Jan 5th.
Cult: noun. A system of religious devotion directed toward a particular object or figure. Need I say more?
4:57 AM Aug 2nd, 2010.
What dropped calls? I’m just censoring your conversations.
8:51 PM Aug 1st, 2010.
From now on all employees must go by codename. Got that, Mansfield Plumbing, Poison Ivey, Cookie, and Schiller’s List?
8:45 PM Aug 1st, 2010.
Ballmer is the worst decision Microsoft ever made.
2:58 PM Aug 1st, 2010.
My wife says I deliver keynotes in my sleep. I guess that’s better than snoring.
3:48 PM Jul 31st, 2010.
New iMacs, Mac Pros and Cinema Displays… How do you like them Apples?
2:58 PM Jul 29th, 2010.
I’m not cocky, arrogant, and egotistical. I’m usually just two out of three.
6:46 AM Jul 29th, 2010.
If your iPad overheats, just avoid holding it in direct sunlight.
5:43 AM Jul 29th, 2010.
Control the music industry? Check. Control the publishing industry? Check. Control-alt-delete? Never.
3:57 PM Jan 5th.
@TIME Give me “Person of the Year” and I’ll let you sell all the digital subscriptions you want on the iPad.
10:45 PM Jul 28th, 2010.
Floppy disks, trackballs, serial ports, dial-up modems… All gone. Now it’s time to kill the mouse.
1:58 PM Jul 28th, 2010.
iPod. iPhone. iPad. Apple AA Battery Charger.
4:11 PM Jul 27th, 2010 .
Our products may be magical, but the profit margins are the real tricks.
3:27 PM Jul 27th, 2010.
Jailbreaking and pornography. Legal but wrong.
5:40 AM Jan 5th.
iLife ’11: Introducing AppEase. Make an app in a snap.
8:05 PM Jul 26th, 2010.
Anything you can do iPhone can do better. #FailedSlogans
7:14 AM Jul 25th, 2010.
We never landed on the moon. The Titanic never sank. AT&T never drops calls.
3:56 PM Jan 5th.
Every cell phone company has delays on white phones. Press conference tomorrow.
10:36 PM Jul 23rd, 2010,
iPhone 4 users can download a new app to order a free case of their choice. The app is available for just $29.99.
5:40 AM Jan 5th,
Contrary to what I said last week, we’re not actually releasing the iPhone in another color this month. #LittleWhiteLie
3:06 PM Jul 23rd, 2010,
Hmm… Turtleneck or turtleneck?
6:20 AM Jul 23rd, 2010,
One iPad Per Child. #4WordstoChangetheWorld
5:00 PM Jul 22nd, 2010,
My wall calendar is an iPad.
6:59 AM Jul 22nd, 2010,
I have big plans for you, North Carolina.
8:08 PM Jul 21st, 2010.
Anyone seen my iPod?
7:10 AM Jul 20th, 2010.
Just checked my weight. It turns out iPods aren’t the only thing getting thinner every year…
6:36 AM Jul 20th, 2010.
Laurene prepared liver for dinner. Too soon, honey. Too soon.
12:33 AM Jul 20th, 2010.
Hey journalists, Apple has put up with bad press for a month now. Go pick on AT&T again. Three years is hardly enough.
12:21 AM Jul 20th, 2010.
Double Rainbow: Steve Jobs Edition http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eayBvZczwWE
6:04 AM Jul 19th, 2010.
iPhone buyers: Nothing is certain but death grip and taxes.
10:54 PM Jul 18th, 2010.
Do these jeans make me look thin?
5:38 PM Jul 18th, 2010.
Do you have any idea how much it costs us to give everyone a free case? Oh yeah, practically nothing.
5:03 PM Jul 18th, 2010.
Apple WAS going to ship 10′s of millions of FaceTime devices this year. Then came Consumer Reports.
10:05 PM Jul 17th, 2010.
I’d like to see Apple try to survive without me.
3:53 PM Jul 17th, 2010.
0.55% of users have called about reception problems, the other 99.45% dropped the call. #iphone4
8:44 PM Jul 16th, 2010.
iPhone 4 users get free bumpers. #CaseTheJoint
7:38 PM Jul 16th, 2010.
The only recall you’ll get on your iPhone is from pressing redial.
7:04 AM Jul 16th, 2010.
iPhone? Oh, you mean the iPod touch 4. #thatsaproblem
6:51 PM Jul 15th, 2010.
Holding a press conference Friday…. and we’re not going to hold it wrong.
3:59 PM Jan 5th.
Recall is a strong word; let’s all agree to call it a whoopsie daisy.
5:05 PM Jul 15th, 2010.
Of course we knew the antenna was lousy in the first place. Why do you think we made bumpers?
4:50 PM Jul 15th, 2010.
I’m sorry.
6:03 AM Jul 15th, 2010.
The netbook is dying and no one is attending the funeral.
11:39 PM Jul 14th, 2010.
iPhone 4 is a revolutionary, magical product. Why? It can make your reception disappear like never before.
9:24 PM Jul 14th, 2010.
Apple just acquired a 3D geography startup to create a fun mobile map tool for the iPhone. We call it PolyPocket.
8:40 PM Jul 14th, 2010.
Forget the bars. iPhone’s AT&T signal level will now be represented by a happy face or a sad face. #MoreFacesinMorePlaces
3:49 PM Jul 14th, 2010.
Close to releasing the iPhone signal software update. #iPlacebo
3:07 PM Jul 14th, 2010.
The media has blown this entire antenna problem out of proportion. By the way, anyone have some duct tape I can borrow?
10:03 AM Jul 14th, 2010.
Welcome @Forstall. After all, it just feels right to hold Twitter in your hands.
5:47 AM Jul 14th, 2010.
Apple has been making the white right so we can take the black back. #iPhoneRecall
12:07 AM Jul 14th, 2010.
First Foxconn workers. Now Apple’s PR team. #DontJump
9:05 PM Jul 13th, 2010.
There goes our stock price.
8:12 PM Jul 13th, 2010.
After years of talk about iPhone killers, it looks like we have a suicide on our hands.
3:57 PM Jul 13th, 2010.
Consumer Reports may be the best magazine there is but I can’t recommend it because it won’t open from the lefthand corner.
6:53 AM Jul 13th, 2010.
I hate lefties.
6:47 PM Jul 12th, 2010.
Why can’t we keep anything secret anymore?
3:09 PM Jul 12th, 2010.
And the FaceTime spoofs start rolling in… http://bit.ly/FaceTimeAdSpoof
7:04 AM Jul 12th, 2010.
RT @fakeusatoday Apple sells one million iPads in monthly cycle
1:28 AM Jul 12th, 2010.
FaceTime, meet Nano.
7:35 AM Jul 11th, 2010.
Boom! Shakalaka…
12:32 AM Jul 11th, 2010.
I’m a Mac. #WhatAreYou
9:44 PM Jul 10th, 2010.
In a world without walls and fences, who needs Windows and Gates?
5:42 AM Jan 5th via Twitter.
Fortune has named me the “smartest” CEO, the “world’s most valuable” CEO, and “CEO of the decade.” I’m still not giving them an interview.
3:40 PM Jul 9th, 2010.
What recession?
12:25 AM Jul 9th, 2010.
A sneak peek at iPhone 5: http://bit.ly/iPhonePreview
8:53 AM Jan 5th.
Developing a new set of online services made just for grammarians: Mobile I.
7:12 AM Jul 7th, 2010.
iPhone 4: Just add signal.
8:31 PM Jul 6th, 2010.
iPhone 4: Touch and go.
4:22 PM Jul 6th, 2010.
There’s no right or wrong way of holding it. The iPad, not the iPhone, of course.
4:43 PM Jul 5th.
People all across America are celebrating freedom. Freedom from porn.
2:13 PM Jul 4th, 2010.
Because of me, a whole generation is going to grow up hating beach balls.
5:54 AM Jul 4th, 2010.
First the iPhone was left in a bar and now the bars have left the iPhone. I hate irony.
3:48 PM Jul 3rd, 2010.
iPad is an anagram for Paid. #MyLittleProfitMachine
6:33 AM Jul 3rd, 2010.
iPhone 4: Put your calls on hold simply by holding the phone.
5:43 AM Jan 5th.
Announcing a magical new partnership today: iPad+HP
7:24 PM Jul 2nd, 2010.
Get ready for Apple’s new home gaming console: Mac OS X Box
3:58 PM Jul 2nd, 2010.
Apple accessories are getting out of control… I just saw a belt clip for the Mac Pro.
6:19 AM Jul 2nd, 2010.
People don’t read anymore. That’s why I introduced iBooks. I’m single-handedly saving literacy.
5:33 PM Jul 1st, 2010.
Retire, relax, enjoy your family. You’re all just upset over a phone you’re paying hundreds of dollars for. Not worth it.
5:21 PM Jul 1st, 2010.
This tweet sent from an iPad 2. Does it look cool?
4:06 AM Jul 1st, 2010.
Preparing to launch a “Find My XServe” app.
2:33 AM Jul 1st, 2010.
How would you like every e-mail you send to be published to the world?
10:08 PM Jun 30th, 2010.
You want a free bumper? Go to a junk yard.
5:44 AM Jan 5th.
Yes, the iPhone is coming to Verizon. 2011.
10:10 PM Jun 29th, 2010.
The next Mac OS can support two on-screen docks simultaneously, thanks to a revolutionary new feature called ‘Paradox.’
3:39 PM Jun 29th, 2010.
Some fool who broke his iPhone is taking us to court. Just what I need: a glass action lawsuit.
3:07 PM Jun 29th, 2010.
Leander Kahney is writing a new book about Apple’s third co-founder. It’s called “Inside Ron’s Wayne.”
3:07 PM Jun 29th, 2010.
My heart is blacker than my turtleneck.
3:50 AM Jun 29th, 2010.
You know why we called it Safari? Because we’re hunting big game. You’re in our crosshairs, IE.
1:27 AM Jun 29th, 2010.
Apparently there’s a shortage in helicopter windshield glass. Strange.
9:42 PM Jun 28th, 2010.
Every time an iPhone rings an angel gets his wings.
6:43 PM Jun 28th, 2010.
Gray Powell has been reassigned to the “Find My iPhone” app team.
5:27 PM Jun 28th, 2010.
Kool-Aid, anyone?
4:41 PM Jun 28th, 2010.
We knew there were problems with the new iPhone. Apple was pushed to release it too early.
4:03 PM Jun 28th, 2010.
The new iPhone doubles as an iPod touch for left-handed users.
2:54 PM Jun 28th, 2010.
These aren’t the Androids you’re looking for.
2:50 PM Jun 28th, 2010.
I find your lack of faith disturbing.
5:51 AM Jun 28th, 2010.
Actually, the new iPhone has no problems. Apple just happens to be issuing a highly-recommended ‘software update’ soon.
12:41 AM Jun 28th, 2010.
iPhone 4: Reinventing the way you hold your phone, again.
1:19 PM Jun 27th, 2010.
We may have to recall the new iPhone. This, I did not expect.
1:17 AM Jun 27th, 2010.
What is iPad, really? http://bit.ly/iPadParody
7:19 PM Jun 26th, 2010.
Oh yeah, everyone’s been holding the mouse wrong too.
4:57 PM Jun 26th, 2010.
Just FaceTimed my wife. If you know what I mean.
4:27 PM Jun 26th, 2010.
What problems? http://bit.ly/iPhone4Problems
3:48 AM Jun 26th, 2010.
FaceTime video calls are the future of AppleCare support.
1:26 AM Jun 26th, 2010.
People who live in houses shouldn’t throw glass phones.
1:18 AM Jun 26th, 2010.
To prevent signal problems with the new iPhone, avoid touching the phone at all times.
5:36 AM Jun 25th, 2010.
Where should Apple build its next store?
12:51 AM Jun 25th, 2010.
The new iPhone has a few tricks hidden up its sleeve.
11:46 PM Jun 24th, 2010.
The best way to fix the weak signal on the new iPhone? Buy a $29.00 Bumper case, only from Apple.
11:26 PM Jun 24th, 2010.
What do you think of #iPhone4 so far?
5:16 PM Jun 24th, 2010.
Be careful not to leave your #iPhone4 at the Genius Bar on the way out of the store. Gizmodo might pick it up.
2:40 PM Jun 24th, 2010.
I heard the CEO of AT&T got married recently. The service was great but the reception was terrible.
3:44 AM Jan 5th.
Take care of my baby.
2:00 PM Jun 24th, 2010.
There are more people currently in line for the iPhone 4 than we have units left in stock. Sorry.
8:03 AM Jun 24th, 2010.
The white iPhone 4 had a defect allowing every app to be downloaded free of charge. Apple is addressing the issue.
10:48 PM Jun 23rd, 2010.
The unshaven unemployed population is starting to line up at Apple stores. Ugh, go stand outside a FedEx sort facility.
10:18 PM Jun 23rd, 2010.
When life gives you Apples, make lemonade. RT @adwatergraphix http://twitpic.com/1zaifb
7:17 PM Jun 23rd, 2010.
I’ve been checking in at Apple every day for the last year and I’m still not the mayor? I hate Foursquare.
6:42 PM Jun 23rd, 2010.
I think we’ve exhausted the letter “i”. It’s time to move on to “j”.
3:11 PM Jun 23rd, 2010.
What’s the difference between AT&T and Gray Powell? None. They both need more bars in more places.
2:58 PM Jun 23rd, 2010.
Just made sure that FedEx pushed back Jason Chen’s iPhone order a few weeks.
2:42 PM Jun 23rd, 2010.
I have to sit through another board meeting today. Can’t I hire Greg Packer to do this for me?
2:34 PM Jun 23rd, 2010.
If you have received your iPhone 4 early in the mail, please do not open it until the official launch on June 24.
9:42 PM Jun 22nd, 2010.
New policy: Every time we sell a million more iPads, we’ll send out a new press release.
9:17 PM Jun 22nd, 2010.
Of course the iPad is magical. It’s like holding David Copperfield in your hands.
6:46 PM Jun 22nd, 2010.
We have to let go of the notion that for Apple to win, Android has to lose.
10:17 PM Jun 21st, 2010.
Just about ready to let go of iOS4…
7:09 PM Jun 21st, 2010.
iOS4 introduces multitasking, folders, books, mail and spell checking. Everything you’ve had in your office for years.
3:10 PM Jun 21st, 2010.
You can’t “use” a Mac. The Mac uses you.
2:47 PM Jun 21st, 2010.
Nothing like breakfast in bed on Father’s Day. The girls prepared apple juice, apple sauce, Apple Jacks, apple fritters…
4:27 PM Jun 20th, 2010.
Kudos to the Pixar team on Toy Story 3. It’s stunning.
6:31 AM Jun 19th, 2010.
Interesting post about regular citizens surprised to be in Apple’s national ad campaign: http://bit.ly/AppleCampaign
1:07 PM Jun 18th, 2010.
RT @theUSpresident: Forget BlackBerry. I need the new iPhone.
5:43 PM Jun 17th, 2010.
Every iPhone 4 comes with a built-in reality distortion field.
9:35 PM Jun 16th, 2010.
iPhone 4 is Apple’s fastest-selling product in history.
5:57 AM Jun 16th, 2010.
Our next operating system is leaps beyond Mac OS X. It’s time for 11.
1:31 AM Jun 16th, 2010.
I hate delays. This is exactly why we cancelled the white iPad.
7:26 PM Jun 15th, 2010.
100 things you didn’t know about Apple: http://bit.ly/AppleTrivia
9:57 AM Jan 5th.
Apple Jacks in the cafeteria at HQ tonight. We all eat what we like, but only I tweet what we like.
3:57 AM Jun 14th, 2010.
What’s the difference between Google and the oil spill? One is a slimy uncontrollable disaster. The other is an oil spill.
7:47 AM Jun 13th, 2010.
iLife is fragile.
7:04 AM Jun 13th, 2010.
The iPad 3G security breach was entirely AT&T’s fault. Apple only gives out personal information with iAds.
3:50 PM Jun 12th, 2010.
Taking my new Leaf out for a drive. Thank you, Nissan.
3:16 PM Jun 12th, 2010.
The Microsoft Surface is today’s Lisa. The iPad is today’s Macintosh.
7:29 PM Jun 11th, 2010.
My iPad runs Flash. And I hate it.
3:41 PM Jun 11th, 2010.
If Apple made the Microsoft Surface: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tyUDi8yqYVM
4:03 AM Jun 11th, 2010.
The battery in my Mercedes died. To make things worse, the mechanic just asked why it wasn’t “user-replacaeble.”
4:22 PM Jun 10th, 2010.
Just jailbroke my iPhone. This is so cool.
5:50 AM Jan 5th.
My daughter Eve loaded a bunch of iPods and iPhones into a basket and is “bobbing for Apples.” She’s one smart kid.
1:40 AM Jun 10th, 2010.
Gore: Global warming. Bono: Famine. Teresa: Poverty. Jobs: Pornography.
10:29 PM Jun 9th, 2010.
Let the work begin on iPhone 5.
7:50 PM Jun 9th, 2010.
Some say Apple is neglecting the Mac to focus on mobile devices. Entirely not true. We updated Safari this year.
4:44 PM Jun 9th, 2010.
My kids use iPads as placemats.
2:31 PM Jun 9th, 2010.
Android: Amateur New Device Radically Overhyped, Inferior & Disappointing
11:57 PM Jun 8th, 2010.
Apple’s In-Ear Headphones revolutionized music. So today we’re introducing a new breakthrough: In-Mouth Microphones.
11:17 PM Jun 8th, 2010.
Now that the iPad is increasingly found in American bathrooms, Apple’s Remote Wipe feature is more important than ever.
10:51 PM Jun 8th, 2010.
Mac OS 10.7 will shake up worldwide sales with a new glassy look and feel. Introducing: SnowGlobe Leopard.
9:11 PM Jun 8th, 2010.
Just found a Microsoft Courier prototype in a bar… Left it there.
6:53 PM Jun 8th, 2010.
Lost in the research and development building. Man, this place really is an infinite loop.
6:05 PM Jun 8th, 2010.
With the success of FaceTime, we’re renaming iTunes “FaceTheMusic” and iBooks “Facebook.”
5:57 PM Jun 8th, 2010.
Just so you know, WWDC was filmed entirely with iPhone 4. http://bit.ly/bk2t23
3:32 PM Jun 8th, 2010.
Apple may not be the first to include Blu-ray disc burning on a phone, but Apple will be the first to do it right.
3:06 PM Jun 8th, 2010.
Please put your laptop on the floor and turn off Wi-Fi. If cabin pressure changes, oxygen masks are here for your safety.
2:54 PM Jun 8th, 2010.
Jony Ive wore the same shirt for every product launch this decade. So what? http://bit.ly/9m4DoN
6:56 AM Jun 8th, 2010.
iMovie is just the beginning. Final Cut Studio for iPhone will be available this fall for $9.99.
4:39 AM Jun 8th, 2010.
FaceTime would mutilate and slaughter AT&T’s network. Thus, video calling is Wi-Fi only.
12:15 AM Jun 8th, 2010.
No one used computers until Macintosh. No one listened to MP3 players until iPod. No one made video calls until #iPhone4
11:28 PM Jun 7th, 2010.
#iPhone4 is so durable that no, it actually won’t blend.
10:46 PM Jun 7th, 2010.
We told Verizon it can have the iPhone when it prepares its network for FaceTime.
10:16 PM Jun 7th, 2010.
Sent from my iPhone 4.
10:04 PM Jun 7th, 2010.
Everyone seems to be overlooking today’s most important announcement: Farmville. For iPhone.
9:59 PM Jun 7th, 2010.
iPhone 4 with FaceTime. This completely revolutionizes sexting.
9:42 PM Jun 7th, 2010.
The iPhone’s new retina display is just the beginning. We’re adding cochlea microphones and uvula speakers this fall.
9:38 PM Jun 7th, 2010.
We gave AT&T two years to prepare its network for FaceTime video calling. Two years. And nothing.
9:26 PM Jun 7th, 2010.
Coming back on stage in three more hours to demonstrate “one last thing.”
9:17 PM Jun 7th, 2010.
World-changing. #WWDC
5:01 PM Jun 7th, 2010.
Three hours from now you’ll see the future.
4:00 PM Jun 7th, 2010.
You won’t be disappointed. You will be amazed. #WWDC
3:05 PM Jun 7th, 2010.
Way better than the rumors. #WWDC
2:20 AM Jun 7th, 2010.
I’m not content unless there’s a glowing Apple behind me and thousands of bloggers in front of me.
1:58 PM Jun 6th, 2010.
Just Wow. Speaking of Sunday… 31,000 people are recreating the Bible on film: http://bit.ly/9yECa2
1:57 PM Jun 6th, 2010.
Nothing can prepare you for WWDC.
10:07 PM Jun 5th, 2010.
Gizmodo is banned from all Apple events as long as I’m CEO.
5:11 PM Jun 5th, 2010.
“At the tone please record your message. When you have finished recording you may hang up…” Everyone knows. Shut up.
4:42 PM Jun 5th, 2010.
When it comes to market cap, Exxon Mobil will soon have to be satisfied with second place.
12:33 AM Jun 4th, 2010.
1:1 In the land of California there lived a man whose name was Jobs. This man was blameless and upright.
5:12 AM Jun 3rd, 2010.
I renamed my iPod ‘The Titanic.’ Now when I plug it in, iTunes tells me ‘The Titanic is syncing.’
11:15 PM Jun 2nd, 2010.
Don’t like the new 2GB data cap on iPhone & iPad? Blame blogger Zach Epstein: http://bit.ly/9ku88O
2:24 PM Jun 2nd, 2010.
Apple has learned to price aggressively and go for volume… but just in apps and content. Not Macs, of course.
6:01 AM Jun 2nd, 2010.
Spoke with my son today. Turns out the apple fell far from the tree.
9:57 PM Jun 1st, 2010.
Just so you know, if Kara asks about the leaked prototypes, I’m leaving the stage. #D8conference
5:04 PM Jun 1st, 2010.
If analysts thought the iPod had a halo effect, it’s practically inconsequential compared to the iPad.
4:01 PM May 31st, 2010.
Android or iPhone OS? With Boot Camp for iPad™ coming this fall, run your favorite applications natively.
3:35 AM May 31st, 2010.
Preparing to introduce iChat 6 – for Mac, Windows, and iPhone v.
3:43 PM May 29th, 2010.
The iPhone you’ll see June 7th will be unlike anything you’ve seen before.
11:17 PM May 28th, 2010.
Almost fired Jony for suggesting we call it the ivePad
4:18 PM May 28th, 201.
Life is like an iPad. It may seem flat at times and too big to handle, but it will always turn around when you least expect it.
2:33 PM May 28th, 2010.
My parents were the ultimate early adopters.
3:54 AM May 28th, 2010.
I’m not sure what’s worse: Being placed on the back of the “TIME 100″ cover or being pictured next to Sarah Palin.
12:57 AM May 28th, 2010.
Microsoft can go to Dell.
10:43 PM May 27th, 2010.
Starting tomorrow we’ll be tying bungee cords to Foxconn workers when they clock in. Just in case.
6:54 PM May 27th, 2010.
In five years no one will remember the Kindle.
3:02 AM May 27th, 2010.
Apple is now worth more than Microsoft. It may be different tomorrow but I thought it was worth a moment of reflection today
8:54 PM May 26th, 2010.
For the record, @BillGates bought an iPad today.
1:35 AM Jan 5th.
You haven’t seen extraordinary until you see WWDC.
2:23 PM May 25th, 2010.
In two years the web will be designed for your fingers.
3:32 AM May 25th, 2010.
The future of computing isn’t Apple versus Microsoft. It’s Apple versus Google.
9:12 PM May 24th, 2010.
Starting this summer, porn will be blocked from all Mac browsers. If you want smut, use Windows.
4:08 PM May 21st, 2010.
Half of all iPhone apps are either blue or black: http://bit.ly/AppColor Is my apparel really that influential?
3:10 AM May 20th, 2010.
Apple is going to take Blu-ray mainstream.
7:53 PM May 19th, 2010.
Rewriting my Wikipedia page. Again.
4:32 AM May 19th, 2010.
iPhoto, iMovie and iWeb for the iPad will launch this fall. iLife touch.
4:28 AM May 19th, 2010.
The new MacBook Air will ship with a backlit trackpad like you’ve never seen before.
9:58 PM May 18th, 2010.
Have to get the windshield on my Mercedes replaced. So…. Glossy or matte?
5:38 AM May 17th, 2010.
Welcome, Google. Seriously. http://bit.ly/WelcomeGoogle
9:38 PM May 14th, 2010.
The next iPad will be the only e-reader in the world to support pop-up books. How? It’s as simple as 3D.
2:31 PM May 13th, 2010.
Having breakfast the way I like it. Cereal, no milk. Toast, no jam. Egg, no freckles.
2:19 PM May 13th, 2010.
Had dinner with Ellen Feiss. Considering her for a new ad campaign.
5:37 AM May 13th, 2010.
So Pixar finally cancelled “Newt.” I told Lasseter a dozen times that no one wants to see a film about a MessagePad.
12:26 AM May 13th, 2010.
If you only knew how many iPhone prototypes are lost out there…
3:16 PM May 12th, 2010.
Apple is opening 75 new retail stores this year. 74 will be in California.
1:43 AM May 12th, 2010.
http://yfrog.com/jo24vjj Seriously, Google?
6:44 PM May 11th, 2010.
AT&T just dropped my call… That’s it. We’re officially dropping exclusivity in the U.S.
4:58 AM May 11th, 2010.
Starting a new blog: The Secret Diary of Dan Lyons
4:47 AM May 11th, 2010.
Four months from now Apple will completely redefine the personal computer. This changes everything.
12:26 AM May 10th, 2010.
Apple cares a lot about recycling. Only by discontinuing the iBook laptop line could we recycle the trademark for the iPad’s eBook store.
9:40 PM May 9th, 2010.
We had countless meetings about which book to include free with the iPad. It was a close call, but “Winnie-the-Pooh” beat out “iCon.”
7:19 PM May 9th, 2010.
Apple killed the floppy disk, the trackball, the stylus and the Walkman. Flash will be dead within a year.
3:56 PM May 9th, 2010.
Cupidtino.com is stupid. Why do Mac fanboys need a dating site when they can meet women at Apple Stores? Give it up, Woz.
10:05 PM May 5th, 2010.
The iPad nano will blow you away.
4:03 AM May 4th, 2010.
MobileMe will soon be free for Mac users.
9:58 PM May 1st, 2010.
Buying the iPad without 3G is like buying a car without tires. Sure it works, but will it get you anywhere?
3:22 PM Apr 30th, 2010.
Read my rant on Flash: http://www.apple.com/hotnews/thoughts-on-flash/
4:50 PM Apr 29th, 2010.
New iPhones. June 7.
6:05 PM Apr 28th, 2010.
Microsoft, kiss my apps.
3:25 PM Apr 28th, 2010.
Considering a $200 price drop for the iPad.
5:40 AM Apr 27th, 2010.
Developing an App Store for the Mac.
5:03 PM Apr 24th, 2010.
If I was in charge of Dell, I’d shut it down and give the money back to the shareholders.
3:33 PM Apr 22nd, 2010.
Apple will be the most valuable U.S. company within a year.
5:52 PM Apr 21st, 2010.
Gizmodo will be charged $5,000 to liveblog future Apple events. It’s obvious they can afford it. http://bit.ly/bnmqIG
2:16 PM Apr 20th, 2010.
All Apple employees are henceforth forbidden to know anything about upcoming products. I will work in secret. Alone.
4:01 AM Apr 20th, 2010.
Now hiring.
1:22 AM Apr 20th, 2010.
So a testing engineer misplaced the iCreamSandwich iPhone prototype. And now he’s misplaced his job.
11:50 PM Apr 19th, 2010.
Fired 30 people today and I still don’t feel better.
10:14 PM Apr 19th, 2010.
Verizon will get the iPhone sooner than you think.
5:52 PM Apr 16th, 2010.
Gave a speech this morning at a California homeless shelter. That “Stay hungry, stay foolish” mantra never gets old.
5:30 PM Apr 16th, 2010.
Apple’s entire product line will be multitouch in three years.
6:44 AM Apr 15th, 2010.
Our design team spent 6 months developing unibody product boxes- a seamless enclosure carved from a single piece of cardboard.
6:29 AM Apr 15th, 2010.
First Opera. Now Google has submitted Chrome to the App Store. I give up.
6:05 AM Apr 15th, 2010.
MacBook DS. This fall.
5:06 AM Apr 11th, 2010.
Flash is the next Betamax.
6:36 AM Apr 10th, 2010.
The iPad will sell for $99 in two years. Take that, OLPC.
6:29 AM Apr 10th, 2010.
Our education store is considering giving students free iPads with select Mac purchases this fall.
6:18 AM Apr 10th, 2010.
752,000 iPads sold. And 3G has yet to arrive.
5:20 AM Apr 4th, 2010.
In just a few moments, the future will begin.
2:52 PM Apr 3rd, 2010.
In case anyone wants to snap some shots, I’m going to be having lunch at Shushi Kuni tomorrow.
11:34 PM Mar 31st, 2010.
Within the month, iPad orders will be backed up until Christmas.
2:53 PM Mar 28th, 2010.
Who do you think should be appointed to Apple’s Board of Directors? For the record, “Dan Lyons” is not an acceptable answer.
6:07 AM Mar 27th, 2010.
Just dropped by an Apple Store. Brought home a bag of Golden Delicious.
5:48 AM Mar 26th, 2010.
CS5. iPad. Summer.
3:19 AM Mar 25th, 2010.
Surfing MacRumors for my next great idea.
4:09 AM Mar 23rd, 2010.
Adam’s Apple was an iMac.
4:05 AM Mar 23rd, 2010.
Those who retweet me complete me.
12:27 AM Mar 22nd, 2010.
An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. Best healthcare plan there is.
8:19 PM Mar 21st, 2010.
If this mousepad gets more fans than the iPad, I think the world may just end. http://bit.ly/a4zUWw
5:43 AM Mar 12th, 2010.
Our next Apple Store will have a glass escalator.
3:17 AM Mar 12th, 2010.
What’s on my iPhone? I Am Rich, Google Voice, Baby Shaker, iBoobs, Network Finder, and, my favorite, Stocks.
2:59 AM Mar 12th.
Number of times hands are seen in Apple’s new iPad commercial: 42. Number of black hands: 0. http://bit.ly/d9Bz3k
If “Up” won Best Animated Film, it’s not going to win Best Picture. That’s the academy’s way of saying “Thanks, but no thanks.”
5:37 AM Mar 8th, 2010.
I could seriously unveil a new iPod shuffle right now and get more viewers than the Academy Awards.
5:19 AM Mar 8th, 2010.
Why does Apple charge up to $80 for earphones? The answer is simple. Because someone somewhere will pay it.
3:08 PM Mar 6th, 2010.
If the iPod causes hearing loss, iPhone gives off radiation, and iPad strains eyesight while reading, I won’t tell you what the iMac does.
6:01 AM Mar 6th, 2010.
Apple’s stashing cash to take big, bold risks. Namely, acquiring the New York Times.
5:55 AM Mar 3rd, 2010.
Good artists copy. Great artists steal from Xerox.
5:38 AM Mar 3rd, 2010.
Sometimes I wish David Pogue had sung at my wedding.
3:43 PM Feb 25th, 2010.
Walt originally applied to write for a pop culture magazine but didn’t get the job. Alas, Rolling Stone gathers no Mossberg.
2:34 AM Feb 25th, 2010.
55 down. 145 to go.
3:45 PM Feb 24th, 2010.
The New York Times will fail without the iPad.
5:35 AM Feb 24th, 2010.
You know why we didn’t include a camera in the iPad? Three words: Big-screen sexting.
4:49 AM Feb 24th, 2010.
An angry developer just submitted an iPhone app with 100 photoshopped pictures of Apple employees in bathing suits and bikinis. This is war.
5:55 AM Feb 21st, 2010.
Within five years every major restaurant chain in America will have a direct iPad-to-kitchen menu app.
5:39 AM Feb 21st, 2010.
So why does Stephen Colbert get an iPad before you? Well, because, next to me, he’s America’s greatest treasure.
12:09 AM Feb 21st, 2010.
Why won’t Apple support flash in the pad? Because compared to HTML 5, it’s just a flash in the pan.
12:05 AM Feb 21st, 2010.
Some days I feel like blocking sexual apps, some days I don’t. No matter what today is, it isn’t the one you want it to be.
12:01 AM Feb 21st, 2010.
Great. How am I supposed to celebrate Doppelgänger Week? I look like myself.
1:54 AM Feb 5th, 2010.
If you thought the iPad was just a big iPod touch… Wait until August when Apple releases the Shuffle DX.
2:37 PM Jan 29th, 2010.
Newspapers will be using Apple touch screens to design broadsheet pages within three years.
12:36 AM Jan 29th, 2010.
The iPad is just the start. This summer: $30 unlimited data for MacBook Pros.
9:03 PM Jan 28th, 2010.
That’s what I get for letting my wife name the tablet…
10:56 PM Jan 27th, 2010.
Fire. Gutenberg. Automobile. The Apple Tablet.
5:35 PM Jan 27th, 2010.
Arriving at the Yerba Buena Center for the event of the century. Seriously.
5:24 PM Jan 27th, 2010.
Just to make you jealous, I’m tweeting today from the tablet.
2:46 PM Jan 27th, 2010.
If the iPhone was a dent in the universe, the iPad will be the big bang.
2:44 PM Jan 27th, 2010.
After the iPad, people won’t even care about the State of the Union. The economy will fully recover in three days.
2:16 PM Jan 27th, 2010.
Apple’s Gestapo has Terry McGraw locked up in my basement at this moment. His slate slip on CNBC is a textbook example of high treason.
6:15 AM Jan 27th, 2010.
When people remember Apple, it won’t be for the Mac, the iPod or the iPhone. It will be for tomorrow.
6:12 AM Jan 27th, 2010.
Of course Apple is getting serious about mobile advertising. How do you think Google made its money?
5:44 AM Jan 16th, 2010.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but the 10-inch tablet can also be used as a phone. By Christmas, having a slate to your ear will be stylish.
3:29 AM Jan 13th, 2010.
Palm’s CEO says he’s never used an iPhone. That’s like a 4-year-old saying he’s never driven a car. He’s just not ready for it.
5:01 AM Jan 12th, 2010.
iWork was made for multitouch. Raise bar graphs with a finger. Design newsletters & animated paths by dragging. It’s the pro in productivity
4:21 AM Jan 11th, 2010.
Imagine if you could leap ahead a decade and take one piece of technology from 2020 to debut in 2010. That’s what the slate is.
6:51 PM Jan 9th, 2010.
The slate is the sexiest computer in the world. In fact, some of our product testers like to don lingerie when they put their hands on it.
8:49 PM Jan 8th, 2010.
It has long been said that loose lips sink tight ships. Yet, Apple is more like a submarine… with controlled leaks.
5:24 AM Jan 8th, 2010.
Apple acquired Quattro Wireless. Why mobile advertising? Because there’s no other way we can provide free nationwide Internet on the slate.
6:33 AM Jan 7th, 2010.
A lot of people are wondering why anyone would pay $1000 for a tablet. I’ll tell you why… because the slate is going to change the world.
3:00 AM Jan 6th, 2010.
CES is a playground filled with little kids running around screaming about their ugly plastic toys, and that’s all it ever will be.
4:03 PM Jan 4th, 2010.
Come January 26, Apple will redefine your life.
2:21 PM Jan 3rd, 2010.
Working with the application engineers to design a new video program for kids: Final Cut & Paste Pro.
5:20 PM Jan 2nd, 2010.
Is it giving away too much if I say Apple will revolutionize the publishing and the television industries with just one device? Oops.
10:03 PM Jan 1st, 2010.
Year: 2009
The real 2010 begins on January 26. Save your fireworks for then.
5:03 PM Dec 31st, 2009.
Just because iMac screens flicker, it doesn’t mean there’s any problem. Candles flicker too but you don’t see people complaining about that.
5:30 PM Dec 30th, 2009.
Apple’s stock hit an all-time high yesterday. Wow, this is like psychedelics all over again.
4:50 PM Dec 29th, 2009.
How could I resist a 2009 timeline made entirely out of iPhone apps? http://teqnolog.wordpress.com/2009/12/28/2009-the-year-in-iphone-apps/
8:40 PM Dec 28th, 2009.
iWork in the cloud is just the beginning. We’re moving everything to the cloud. iMovie on dial-up is unlike anything you’ve ever experienced
3:57 PM Dec 27th, 2009.
Actually Schiller almost gave away the name of the tablet last month. He was delayed when meeting with the NYT and blurted “I’slate, sorry.”
7:37 PM Dec 26th, 2009.
Christmas: Two black turtlenecks, three pairs of blue jeans, and an iTunes gift card. Wow, I didn’t expect that.
3:49 PM Dec 25th, 2009.
I told my wife I couldn’t afford to get her anything for Christmas this year because my salary was so low. Didn’t go over that well at all.
3:21 PM Dec 25th, 2009.
How many times must I tell my secretary to call Biz and ask him to add that tiny blue “verified” seal on my account? Not that hard, people.
3:52 PM Dec 24th, 2009.
The iPhone is now the # 1 selling mobile phone in the U.S. Ubiquity is beautiful music.
4:54 PM Dec 23rd, 2009.
Apple’s creating a new trade-in program to benefit vengeful optometrists. We call it, “An eye for an iPod.”
6:51 PM Dec 22nd, 2009.
A Windows user, a Mac user and a Linux user walk into a Genius Bar. The bartender looks at the guns in their hands (cont) http://tl.gd/1an6r
4:45 PM Dec 21st, 2009.
I told Jonathan to build a prototype of the MacBook Wheel just so I can send it to Bill for Christmas.
12:24 AM Dec 21st, 2009.
I’m excited to announce that David Pogue will be teaching a special GarageBand Artist Lesson for iLife X: “Apps!…I Did It Again.”
5:58 PM Dec 19th, 2009.
Glass staircases will be standard in every Apple retail store by May… even if they don’t actually lead anywhere.
6:47 PM Dec 18th, 2009.
Introducing new security measures at Apple. Starting today, employees must wear blindfolds at all times. That includes blind employees.
4:19 PM Dec 17th, 2009.
Plotting to acquire Google.
2:53 AM Dec 16th, 2009.
Fortune: CEO of the Decade. Adweek: Marketer of the Decade. Your move, TIME.
12:42 AM Dec 15th, 2009.
Let’s take a vote. Who thinks I should rename the Keynote application “Stevenote”?
3:04 PM Dec 13th, 2009.
The new app store layout is nothing. Soon, you’ll actually be able to use apps for a minute before buying them when on the iPhone.
6:45 PM Dec 12th, 2009.
Schiller once asked me why I never became a real estate broker. It’s simple, actually… I’ve never had a realty distortion field.
4:53 PM Dec 11th, 2009.
Who decided to revive the “Think Different” ad campaign? Honestly! “Think Different” means come up with something new, TBWA/Chiat/Day.
3:08 PM Dec 10th, 2009.
Droid, gadget of the year? Seriously, TIME? That’s like naming Balloon Boy “Person of the Year.” http://bit.ly/91hzQb
5:04 PM Dec 9th, 2009.
My wife’s favorite words to hear in bed? “One more thing…”
3:43 PM Dec 8th, 2009.
My wife wants a new pet animal for Christmas. Anyone know where I can find a dogcow?
4:30 PM Dec 7th, 2009.
Volunteering at a local high school football game concession stand. Do I really want to spend the rest of my night selling sugared water?
2:33 PM Dec 6th, 2009.
In Lala land.
2:12 PM Dec 5th, 2009.
I once toured India to find philosophical enlightenment. Hence, the inspiration for exporting tech support calls.
5:21 PM Dec 4th, 2009.
Looks like someone put a ding in my car… I suppose it’s time for my lawyers to put a ding in their universe.
5:31 PM Dec 3rd, 2009.
Great. Every time I respond to a developer e-mail my inbox fills up with 500 more.
1:53 AM Dec 3rd, 2009.
Watching “The Lovely Bones.” No offense Peter, but this looks like you made it with iMovie.
2:42 PM Dec 2nd, 2009.
Vote for me for TIME Person of the Year. If I win, I’ll reveal a picture of the Apple tablet. Vote here: http://bit.ly/5yaOvi
7:19 PM Dec 1st, 2009.
To the developer who made a paternity test app for the iPhone: I hate you.
4:12 PM Dec 1st, 2009.
There are 35,000 employees at Apple and not one of them know how to get the beach ball of death off my screen right now.
5:55 PM Nov 30th, 2009.
Would you believe me if I told you Apple.com was designed using iWeb?
10:17 PM Nov 29th, 2009.
I refuse to waste my money on a Christmas tree this year… I’ll build one from my stockpile of lime green iPod nanos instead.
1:42 AM Nov 29th, 2009.
We’re creating a new text-to-song feature for GarageBand. Just enter your lyrics and the Mac does the rest.
4:31 PM Nov 27th, 2009.
So glad I didn’t take Wozniak’s suggestion to call the company Banana.
2:19 AM Nov 27th, 2009.
Moment I Wish I Wasn’t a Vegetarian # 182: That turkey looks Insanely Great right now.
3:37 PM Nov 26th, 2009.
Atrocious. SteveJobs.com and BillGates.com are trying to sell free college degrees and anti-virus software… just what we each need.
2:49 PM Nov 26th, 2009.
Just installed Mac OS 10.7 – Clouded Leopard. The world’s first 65-bit operating system. Well, perhaps that’s a bit over the top.
1:48 PM Nov 26th, 2009.
The next iPod shuffle is going to shoot video. Yes, that’s right, before the iPod touch.
6:31 AM Nov 26th, 2009.
Ive is pushing the limits when it comes to the next all-in-one iMac. He’s integrated a keyboard into the chin and a trackpad into the base.
6:26 AM Nov 26th, 2009.
Apples to Apples is officially my favorite board game.
1:15 AM Nov 26th, 2009.
If only I could do to BlackBerry what I once did to 2,700 Lisas in a Utah landfill.
5:38 PM Nov 25th, 2009.
What use is it if Al Gore can fight global warming but can’t find a way to keep laptops from overheating?
5:31 PM Nov 25th, 2009.
I noticed my salary this year is $1. I suppose the economy is worse than I thought.
4:30 PM Nov 25th, 2009.
I want to dance in the next silhouette commercial. The marketing department can shove it.
7:34 AM Nov 25th, 2009.
When I give an iPod, I get the earbuds engraved.
4:49 AM Nov 25th, 2009.
I use Apple TVs as coasters.
3:17 AM Nov 25th, 2009.
All iPods will soon be loaded with the EasyPay checkout system so customers can walk into any Apple store and complete their own purchases.
3:12 AM Nov 25th, 2009.
I will stamp that ugly Isaac Newton logo on every Mac before I allow Google Voice on the iPhone. Mark my words.
11:23 PM Nov 24th, 2009.
Planning to introduce a new iTunes feature called “Infinite Loop.” Once started, it will repeat one random song from your library forever.
11:03 PM Nov 24th, 2009.
I removed the steering wheel from my car and replaced it with a scroll wheel.
8:57 PM Nov 24th, 2009.
If you thought the glass staircase was neat, wait until you see our glass escalator.
6:46 PM Nov 24th, 2009.
Trying to get a Coke and I’m ten cents short. What’s the use of having a “reality distortion field” if it doesn’t get you squat?
3:29 PM Nov 24th, 2009.
Why doesn’t my piano have a backlit keyboard?? Stupid.
6:22 AM Nov 24th, 2009.
My wife is multi-touch.
4:29 AM Nov 24th, 2009.
I’ve decided to set up a separate Twitter account for my blood pressure.
12:20 AM Nov 24th, 2009.
My new prescription tells me to take two tablets every morning. Finally… I have a way to convince Ive to let me take some prototypes home.
9:25 PM Nov 23rd, 2009.
My son Reed didn’t get the traditional birds & bees talk. He got the Keynote version.
8:17 PM Nov 23rd, 2009.
You know that when people say “macdaddy” they’re referring to me, right?
6:10 PM Nov 23rd, 2009.
I’ve asked Ive for a hollowed out Time Capsule unit so I could place some mementos in it and bury it in the backyard.
5:11 PM Nov 23rd, 2009.
Just wired Evan Williams some cash to ensure that Apple stays on top of the Trending Topics list next month.
4:37 PM Nov 23rd, 2009.
I just found out I’m going to have a cameo in Pixar’s upcoming “Cars 2.” Look for the Mercedes-Benz in the handicapped spot.
6:11 AM Nov 23rd, 2009.
Do I really look like an angry leprechaun with a rainbow shooting from my head? http://bit.ly/4HcqAk
6:00 AM Nov 23rd, 2009.
CEO of the ‘Decade’?? Was ‘millennium’ taken?
5:41 AM Nov 23rd, 2009.
Who do I have to call to get a sequel to “Pirates of Silicon Valley?” I have a script ready.
5:40 AM Nov 23rd, 2009.
I’ve decided my New Year’s Resolution: switch back to Verizon.
5:35 AM Nov 23rd, 2009.
You want a camera in the iPod touch? What about a built-in coffee maker? Then what??
5:31 AM Nov 23rd, 2009.
